English Teacher

Words by Willow Shields Photographs by Rosie Carne

As the dark winter started to set in, Rosie Carne and I trotted our way down to Brighton to meet with the famed English Teacher ahead of their headline set at Green Door Store for 234 Festival. A band who share a love of creative writing styles and hyperbole with my secondary school English teacher, Mr. Pointon, and unlike Mr. Pointon have a lot of hair on their heads. Quick side note to say that Mr. Pointon is the reason I can write an “okay” sentence or two. And the reason I still have a crush on the guy who I sat next to in year 10 and 11. Who hugged me on results day because ‘he couldn’t have passed English without me’ and who signed my leavers book with an arrow heart and three kisses. Anyway, back in the room. We met the band promptly after their arrival in my personal favourite seaside city, after me texting the drummer - Doug - what I can only imagine was an irritating number of times. 

We strode away from the venue as if it was the last place on earth we’d want to be, leaving friends, friends of friends and enemies behind us. A voyage towards the backstreets of Brighton with feelings only comparable to those leaving Britain on the Titanic (before the sinking bit). We settled down in front of a pink door, next to a pink food ‘n’ wine shop and opposite three empty cafes (because it was 8pm on a Saturday night and they were closed, obviously). I was then assigned the job of looking after everyone’s bags and making sure no one got run over. And as I watched Rosie and the four piece frolicking around a dark street as if it were a beautiful forest or field of flowers I began to try and figure them out. There was Lily Fontaine, singer and songwriter, genius and poet. Maybe the most beautiful girl in the world. Softly spoken and gentle, wearing a corset top from a stall at Green Man festival, looking like a fairy. Then there was drummer Doug Frost, a sweet cherub of man, a very tall one at that. Lewis Whiting, curly haired guitarist and the most-obviously-northern of the band. And Nick Eden wearing a leather jacket and a 90’s dreamboat hairstyle, very serious, very quiet, very hard to read. When we’re done with nearly being hit by a truck, being laughed at by someone on a bicycle and sitting on people’s doorsteps, we hot foot it back to the Green Door Store for a pint, and a chat. 

After semi-blagging our way back into the now packed venue, the band, Rosie and I nestle into a corner of the huge smoking area and get busy asking the silliest questions imaginable to me at that moment. The first being “If you were a sandwich what would you be?” Nick was first to answer, a simple “BLT.” Then Lewis, “I’d be a Ploughman’s, classic. It has to be like fancy bread though, not sliced. Big, fancy bread.” Lily then reflected on her most recent sandwich experience, “I’d be the one that I made today with [Doug’s] mum’s mustard.” Finally, Doug answers, “Egg mayo and smoked salmon. And cress.” After everyone being horrified that Doug would be an egg sandwich, Lewis said, “We were talking about this in Hull. But if you were a food what would you be.” And to that Doug’s answer was, “Lasagna.” I would like to preface the rest of this piece by saying that everyone at this moment of time was feeling quite silly, and my chaotic line of questioning did not help the tone attempt to be anywhere near professional, so basically; this is a very chaotic interview and I hope that translates. In answer to Doug, Lewis said “Lasagna is technically a sandwich, a pasta sandwich.” And why everyone was cackling, Lily defended Lasagna’s honour in the statement “I think there are some Italians who would disagree.” 

The next two questions I asked the band were “What’s your favourite season”/ “What’s your favourite thing that lives in the sea?” I will pair their answers because I think that’s quite a funny premise. Doug, “Winter” and “Pistol Shrimp.” Lewis, “Autumn” and “Octopus.” Nick, “Summer” and “Giant squid.” Lily, “I’m torn between Summer and Autumn. That sweet spot, we’ve just passed it. ‘Sautumn.’” and “Shrimps in general, or sea slugs.” I then asked the band what their favourite lyric they have is, Lily first repeated the question to Lewis ‘so she could have more time to think of hers’ and after a lot of thinking Lewis laughed and responded to Lily “Mental Maths, when you reference Lancashire.” We all laughed as Lewis tried to come up with “a serious one” to which Lily shouted “No! Silly answers only.” A woman after my own heart, that one. Lewis then finally found his ‘serious’ answer in the back of his brain, “No okay, “Get up from the floor with all the grace of a burlap.” from their song A55. Doug then interjected with “You pick out the ladle” which if I didn’t know any of the bands songs would’ve been a very random statement, but since I do, I can tell you that it’s from a great bit in a great song titled Yorkshire Tapas which to me is a love letter to the casual date. After that Lily and I go on a bit of a chaotic tangent about how “Ladles be Ladling.” 

At this point I’m sure you’re scratching at the walls demanding to know where the band English Teacher’s worst holiday experiences took place. And I’m here to fulfil your every wish. Lewis began painting a dreary picture of a holiday park, “I think I once went on a camping holiday when I was younger with a coupon out of the Sun. And it was exactly what you’d expect it to be. It was one of those weird caravan parks and yeah. Just yeah.” Lily then identified with the camping holiday nightmare, “Mine was camping as well I think. Just all my family fell out.” an experience I think is a right of passage for every family. When it starts raining putting up the tent, and one of your parents is shouting for absolutely no reason, someone’s forgotten the one essential thing but you stick it out because you’ve driven for at least 2 hours to a field and it would be silly to go home when you’ve just got there. Doug continues on the camping streak, “ I think mine is - I still had a good time - but we were in a tent on the coast of Scotland and there was the worst storm ever in Scotland in the past ten years. And we were in the middle of that, and that was scary.” Then Nick delivers a rogue but hilariously dry “every Christmas.” 

When I asked the quadlet “What was the moment that you knew you wanted to do music?” Doug responded by accusatively asking “Are these questions slowly getting more deep?” To which I, for absolutely no reason, shouted “I tricked you! Lulled you into a false sense of security!” and to you, reader, the general public and the band I apologise for that. I must stop drinking before interviews. After that Lily asked for me to specify the question, and Lewis answered, “I don’t know if I had a moment but I know what sort of age. I decided pretty last minute to do music at uni, I didn’t really know what I was going to do and it made me realise.” To which Lily agreed. Then I decided to get back on the silly train and asked ”Have you ever had a really bad haircut?” and Doug enthusiastically answered “Yeah! When I was at uni I found this student barbers that did one pound haircuts. One time they snipped my ear and I got the haircut for free! So I saved a quid.” It was then I realised I had run out of questions and the vibe was getting on top of me. But then, Doug asked “How about we ask you some questions?” to which I said “Yeah go on then.” Which in the grand scheme of professionalism i shouldn’t have, then again I think we’d passed that point a long while back. Doug, “What’s your favourite land...monster?” Me, “I really like Cows.” Doug, “Would you class that as a monster?” Lily, “Are there [land] monsters? We’re the monsters.” Me, “Okay a monster? Those things in the woods that you can never see. Super scary but amazing to think about.” Doug, “What’s your favourite element on the periodic table?” Me, “Oh my god, is Cu copper? Yeah that. Because one of my favourite bands has a song called Cu. And they also say that the pressure was one pascal more than they could handle. Which is a brilliant use of scientific language!” (What a nerd.) Doug, “What’s your favourite thing made out of copper?” Me, “Pipes? I don’t know. Not many things are made out of copper.” Lewis then interjected Doug’s chaotic line of questioning with a series of statements about copper pipes, “Nice. Reliable. Useful.” And I responded, “Sometimes. You can never trust a copper pipe.” To which Lewis giggled out, “Doug loves a pipe.” Doug then said, “I do love a pipe! Pipes of Europe.” Which is a very obscure running joke between the band, which Lily came back to clarify, “Follow Pipes of Europe on Instagram.” And after laughing for quite a while about pipes, the interview was done.